Smallest Delight
by Knives' Angel
Summary: One shot. Knives contemplates the importance of Legato, along with the words he can never say.(KxL)


**Hey, its been awhile since I've posted anything. Sorry about the lack of activity from my part, I've been really busy. This is just a little one shot, it pretty much speaks for itself. I promise I'll write more on Devil Loves You, I've been very lazy. Anyway, I really hope you like this, so go ahead and enjoy!  
Knives' Angel**

**Disclaimer: I dont own Trigun, shame on you if you ever assumed I did. **

**Warning: KxL pairing, yaoi. Dont like it, dont read it. **

It can be so lonely here sometimes, when I'm left alone to my own devices. The room is dark, the curtains blocking out all light to somehow hide myself from the reality of the outside. I know it's wrong of me, pretending sometimes that the world doesn't exist and that I'm the only one in it. Wrong as it is, it gives me temporary comfort knowing that in this moment, I don't have to deal with anything except the thoughts inside my own aching skull.

I'm alone, separated from the only other being on this planet like me. It's like being severed from half of yourself, made incomplete somehow. I always feel the pain of being away from him, no matter how much I try and ignore it. That's why I need him back, to end the suffering once and for all. The only thing that gives me some semblance of happiness now is you.

You're the only thing that makes my life worthwhile right now, no matter how much I pretend it isn't so. I love to watch you suffer, only because I suffer too. This is our pain to share, me and you together. I want to share everything with you, if only I could justify it to myself. Everything in my mind tells me I'm wrong for having these feelings about you, but I can't ignore them. You're just like him, but I doubt that's why I care for you. I feel for you because you _need_ me, because without me you are nothing. You're only a human, a vile creature lower than the dirt I walk upon.

But that's what I want, to dirty myself with your touch. I want to defile myself until I'm no longer perfect, just so that I can be with you and feel no shame. If I'm imperfect, I won't need him anymore, and I can just stay with you. Maybe the pain would go away if I didn't need him so much. That would be nice, wouldn't it? I wouldn't mind staying like this forever, though I doubt I could justify it deep within myself. I don't belong to be here with you, but that's all that I want right now. It could be so easy, just giving up everything I've fought for in vain and living this life with you.

I know that you can never truly satisfy me, just as I know I can never truly satisfy you. We aren't right for each other, yet we fit together perfectly. After all, in hell, don't all demons love each other? What difference can it possibly make then, why can't I just accept these feelings of mine? I couldn't be happy if I got what I really wanted, if I had him back. Neither of us could be happy, we are too different. You though, you aren't so different from me on the inside, or on the outside either.

I think you're beautiful sometimes, when I catch you smiling before you remember to wipe any trace of emotion off your face. If only you knew how much you're worth, how much you really mean to me…you'd like to know, wouldn't you? Maybe it could make you smile; perhaps it could make you cry. I don't know how your mind works, hard as I try to decipher you. Your golden eyes hide so much from me, but I don't mind.

I wonder, what do you think of me? Do you feel the same way I do, do you care for me? When you're all alone, do your thoughts slowly shift towards me? You believe that I own you, yet it's impossible to own something like yourself, something of such rare…dare I say it…beauty. You're free, even if you're not aware of it. You could leave anytime you wished and not choose to return. It would kill me inside to see you go, but there is nothing I could do. No matter what I tell you sometimes, I could never kill you. I'm weak in that respect, I've never been able to live up to my words.

I long for you as I sit here, not wishing to be alone any longer. I think too much when I'm by myself, I need you to come and distract me. You're my sweet escape from reality; you help me forget everything for a blissful moment. It's not wrong to want to forget, is it? Sometimes I can't help but think that the only way I'll ever be happy is if I forget everything, never to remember it again. Death is always one option, but then I'll be alone again. There's no one waiting for me in the next life, no one to care for me. I'd be alone again, assuming I would even be allowed to go somewhere pleasant. I don't believe in Paradise, after living all these years I've found it doesn't exist. There's no perfect place for everyone to go after they die, it would be impossible to make everyone agree on what 'perfect' is.

That woman, she told me about somewhere like Paradise, a place where people go when they die. She'd lost someone close to her, yet she still believed he was with her. It always seemed so ridiculous to me, the way she believed it so strongly. I always wondered if I was missing something, everyone else was happy except for me. I'd put on a show of being content every day, but it was just that: a show. It was like looking to the sky to see what everyone is seeing and not being able to see anything except your own doubt. I always wanted to see what they were seeing, what was making them so happy. I was staring into the dark and seeing nothing at all, and constantly wondering why.

There I go again, thinking too deeply. Why don't you hurry up? I need this all to stop, I'm sick of thinking about everything. You don't seem to realize how much I need you right now, like I need you all the time. I'm such a codependent, but I could never tell anyone else that. I can't sleep before you come home; it's so cold in here when I'm all alone. The last thing I want…the only thing I can't stand…I don't want to be left alone.

I hear the doorknob turn, and I can make out your slender figure stepping inside. You say something of a quiet apology for being late; I pretend to be angry at you. I'm just glad that you're here, but I wouldn't tell you that. I think you understand me by now though, you know I'm not actually upset. As if to confirm you're real, I wrap my arms tightly around you. You melt into my embrace, just as you are so accustomed to. I begin to kiss you gently, thankful that you're here at last.

As we lay down on our bed, things begin to wind down. The room isn't so empty anymore, I'm no longer alone. Your body feels so warm, but somehow I always feel as if it's slipping slowly away from me. I know that one of these days you won't come back, one of these nights will be our last together. I feel like I'm trying hold the wind, there will be a day when you blow away forever. It angers me sometimes, that you're just a human. I can't have you for much longer; every day is like a blessing for me. Maybe that's why I love you so much, because you're so fleeting, so fragile. You're a warm day in the winter, something that comes suddenly and leaves just as soon. Compared to my years you're hardly more than a child, but you sometimes seem much older than me. I sometimes think that you already know and understand the outcome of everything; you're just waiting around for it to happen.

None of that matters right now though, you're here beside me. If only you knew how much joy you bring me every day, you wouldn't have to be so sad. You could die knowing that someone cares, something I won't have the luxury of. I wish I could tell you everything I feel about you, but no words ever come. I love you, more than you can ever comprehend. I love you, but you will never hear those words from my mouth.

Tears come to my eyes; I can't understand why I'm unable to express my real feelings. It's because you're human, the one creature I hate the most. I could never hate you though, not even if I tried. God, if only you knew! All of the unspoken words, they're all for you. If only you knew, it wouldn't be so hard for me. If only you knew…if only you knew. If you only knew how I take even the smallest delight from hearing you breathing quietly against my chest, feeling your body close to mine. If only you knew…I love you.

**Hope you liked it, please review and let me know!  
Knives' Angel**


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